The Yuppie Draft 2023 Winners and Losers

The Gridiron Alliance of Yuppies draft has concluded, and now it’s time to take a look at which team got the best bang for their buck. Who butt-fumbled, and who got Griddy’d on? Follow me as we delve into the realm and rank the top 10 club managers from 1 to 10 based on their performance.

10. The Gravy Seals

Owner: Julia Dingee

Upsides: Certified meme team

Downsides: Running back depth

Summary: While the Gravy Seals do have a squad with some of the funniest names such as Waddle and Deuce, but the lack of dominance at any particular position except quarterback will make it difficult for Club Manager Julia Dingee to have a deep playoff run.

9. The Kentucky Wigglers

Owner: Alexis Garcia

Upsides: Travis Kelce

Downsides: Low QB Floor

Summary: Manager Alexis Garcia had a homerun first round pick: Travis Kelce, destroyer of men and gods alike. But her reliance on Young 49ers QB Brock Purdy and the eternally boring Jared Goff may end up being a mistake as both playcallers reach midseason form.

8. America’s Cream

Owner: Jonny Coker

Upsides: Created this league

Downsides: Created this league

Summary: Other than stealing picks from Kelly, I was kind of mid.

7. Snap Decision

Owner: Hunter Niffinegger

Upsides: Got good advice from other managers

Downsides: WRs leave more to be desired

Summary: Club Manager Hunter Niffinegger had roughly six high-level advisors at his disposal during the draft. He has a great starting WR at CeeDee Lamb, but he may find himself skimming the waiver wire if things don’t go to plan for Tyler Lockett and DJ Moore.

6. Toria’s Sensational Team

Owner: Victoria Trevino

Upsides: Explosive athletes

Downsides: Deshaun Watson

Summary: Yahoo’s rankings can Kick Rocks. For Toria’s team, the strategy was apparent: draft some of the best athletes at the most important skill positions. While Prescott may have been a reach, he has the ability to bounce back from last year, while Cooper, Jones, and Barkley have all proven that they are capable of finishing top five at their position. Also, I’m going to assume that the manager of Toria’s team does not know what Deshaun Watson did (dear god nobody tell her.)

5. Sssssssssssssssss

Owner: Susan Rother

Upsides: All heart, baby

Downsides: RB depth

Summary: Susan’s team shows one thing: picking tenth overall can actually be a beautiful thing. With Justin Herbert and Tyreke Hill at the top of her roster, this team has the ability to beat anyone at any time. But, she is going to need some consistency from her ball carriers.

4. The Urban Rangers

Owner: Blaine Johnston

Upsides: Breakout potential

Downsides: Reliance on rookies

Summary: The Urban Rangers are pretty much the definition of boom or bust. With Bijan Robinson and Garrett Wilson, the expectation is for these young players to ball out. But, a breakdown of the Falcons and Jets, two poverty franchises, could lead to a tough fantasy season for club manager Blaine Johnston.

3. Jaylen’s Purple Suit

Owner: Bethany Mack

Upsides: Super Bowl talent

Downsides: Dirty Birds

Summary: Beth’s team has top talent with some of the great breakout players of last year. The team is Philly reliant, but as long as her players are consistent, she is a playoff lock and an early championship favorite.

2. Kelly’s Amazing Team

Owner: Kelly Rodriguez

Upsides: High ceiling, low floor

Downsides: Zeke

Summary: As a whole, Kelly’s team will make it to the playoffs no problem as long as Justin Jefferson and Patrick Mahomes stay healthy. But Picking Zeke is a total Cowboys homer move that I was totally planning on doing as well.

1. The Seattle Cheat Hawks

Owner: Kristopher Ponce

Upsides: Cool under pressure

Downsides: Defense, maybe?

Summary: According to manager Kris Ponce, he didn’t prepare for the draft, which is what made his team all the more impressive. Drafting both Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase is going to be difficult for any team to go up against. When you have Deebo Samuel and Geno Smith on the bench, you know your team is elite.

As the season kicks off this Thursday, it really is impossible to know what kinds of twists and turns that will unfold, thus is the nature of sport. But what I do know is this: Men will puke, men will poop on the field, I’ve seen men deliver their newborn baby on the sidelines. Football is back, baby.